Have you ever just felt like you didn’t have a place? Like you were accepted but didn’t belong?
That has been my last 4 years here in Florida. Everyone keeps asking me if I am sad to move, but I am not. I am going to miss some things, mainly my “girls”, my job and the church in general. But not anything else. Not feeling like an outcast because we are military or don’t live in Bluewater Bay or because I don’t have a Coach bag on my arm. That I will not miss at all. It is the first place I have ever felt this way and I am ready for it to be over.
It will be nice to go somewhere that I have never been known as fat and people don’t know that I have leukemia. A fresh start of sorts. As sad as it is, these things create judgment in their own right and distance in friendships.
Even as a couple, we just haven’t found a place. We have tried the young marrieds Sunday School class at church two separate times now (once when we first joined the church and have been going again for the last few months) and simply don’t fit in. The class members are all nice but they already have their own sets of friends and that’s that. I am an introvert, so that doesn’t help and while there are a few people that have really made me/us feel welcome, on a whole, I walk out feeling worse than when I went in and that totally defeats the purpose. I *thought* we were starting to fit in and finally opened up my life to share a prayer request about my leukemia. Shared the request, shared an update to the request and nothing. The next time we were in the class, no one even spoke to us except when they had to in our small group session. Yet, recently another class member was diagnosed with cancer and last Sunday I had to watch/hear tons of people talk to him about it, give hugs, etc. I sound like I want to have special treatment, but I don’t. A simple “Hi, how are you doing?” would work for me.
At work, I have no issues. I consider myself very successful there and get along with everybody. But work isn’t and shouldn’t be your whole life. I am involved in Relay and have a place there, but other than my partner in crime, it is not a social circle. A group of friends that I can call up and say “Hey, want to do dinner?”.
A fresh start, yes…I am ready.