benched.

You know that knee tweaking I talked about in my last post?! Yeah, it is still here and the consensus is that is is probably IT Band Syndrome..fun times :(. The best solution is to stay off of it, ice it and take anti-inflammatories (like I have time to stay off of it being a single mom right now…sigh). So, that means no running, elliptical, biking, lunges, squats, practically anything for at least a week after the injury, which means, I am out till Wednesday. Boo. So long as I can run with Bryan when we go see him, that is all I ask (oh, and be able to walk through the airport without the pain I am in now would be good too).

Anyway…

So, the whole weight thing…I’ve really been giving it a lots of thought in the past few days. When does enough become enough? Am I happy here or do I TRULY want to go lower or am I only set on going lower because I feel that is what I am expected to do? Like, I had surgery so I am expected to be tiny and if I gain 5 pounds, I am a failure?! I dunno. Originally, I had my goal set at 160 which was lower than what I weighed when Bryan and I got married. I was happy there. But, a few months into the process, I set a second goal for 140 because, well, I don’t know why. Maybe because it put me into a “normal” BMI?! Maybe because I am so short I felt like I needed to be smaller than 160, who knows. But, I was HAPPY at 165 and I am lower than that now.

Well, I have decided enough is enough. I am tired of constantly thinking about those “last few pounds”, tired of feeling guilty if I want a dessert. Heck, my original non-weight goal was to be able to shop anywhere again, i.e. a size 14. I am now a size 8/10 (I would be a solid 8 if I could get a tummy tuck but let’s not go there, very frustrated with the military about that issue) and finding clothes that fit is no issue. In fact I would LOVE to be done if only for the fact that I would allow myself to actually buy clothes again. This having a skeleton wardrobe because I don’t want to “waste” money sucks.

Done. I am done. I plan to keep up with my exercise because like I said in my last post it is a part of me now. Still make healthy choices but not focus on losing weight. I am also leaning towards moving my weigh-ins to every 2 weeks as opposed to every week. Bryan loves me the size I am now (not that he ever didn’t love me, but he actually told me tonight that I was perfect), now I need to learn to love ME.