the unknown.

This is not a happy go-lucky post, so venture elsewhere if that is what you are looking for.

These are raw thoughts from my head about this cancer battle. I am not looking for sympathy or pity. These are just simply things that I wish I had been told, things that swirl around in my head the minute I attempt to lay my head on a pillow. I am not depressed, I am a realist. This battle is hard and a smile is not always on the agenda for the day. For me, the unknowns are the hardest part, especially since I am a self-professed control freak. God has an interesting sense of humor.

• No one warned me that some of the people I expected to be there for me most are not and the people I never imagined would care, do.

• No one warned me that 3 years later I still wouldn’t have “acceptance”. So much for the five stages of grief.

• No one told me that making inappropriate jokes about cancer would be a coping mechanism. Even for me, Miss Serious.

• Bone pain, no one told me about the bone pain. No one truly understands it either.

• I was warned that my lymph nodes would swell. I was not warned that they would hurt like hell.

• Fatigue, I knew about. It was actually one of the main symptoms I got diagnosed with. No one warned me that no matter how tired you were, there would be some days that your mind would not turn off and sleep would not come.

• No one told me that I would have to suck it up and put on a happy face to make people comfortable. People are scared of cancer and truly want to just sweep it under the rug. That’s all fine and dandy when you aren’t the one living it.

• No one warned me that I would be jealous of people with other forms of cancer, especially breast cancer. Everybody “Thinks Pink” and works to “Save the Ta-Ta’s”. I am not minimizing their battle, cancer sucks no matter how you look at it, but they have worldwide support. Leukemia does not.

• No one told me that there would be oncologists out there that don’t have a feeling bone in their body. I was super spoiled to Dr. G and could have never imagined that in a field such as this, that there would be that coldness/disconnect.

• No one told me how much this would affect my marriage. We are in this together, through the good and the bad, but there are areas I never imagined it affecting. My patience, my confidence, our intimacy. My husband is amazing, no matter how many times I try to push him away, he just loves me even more.

• No one told me that 3 years, a bone marrow biopsy, a lymph node removal/biopsy, 2 CT scans, hundreds of vials of blood and more appointments than I have fingers and toes later there still wouldn’t be any answers.

• No one told me that if it wasn’t for my husband and daughter, I would want to give up. Everyday.

• No one told me that no matter how angry I get at God, my faith is the only thing that gives me hope that we can beat this.