dealing.

I just want to say thank you for the outpouring of love and prayers from family, friends AND even strangers. I feel very blessed to have a group of people like you all surrounding me.

As for me, I am doing okay. Still a little shell-shocked. I went back to work yesterday, I needed something to keep me busy. Even so, as the hours/days go on, I am dealing with it bit by bit. Remembering things that were said at my appointment and starting to feel a bit.

Right now I am feeling guilt, anger and apprehension. I was talking to Bryan earlier and had a revelation. For about 1.5 years now, I have constantly been tired…my favorite phrase seemed to have become “I’m so TIRED of being tired”. I kept hoping that once I got used to working, or a change in diet, exercise, activity, season, etc would change that. It hit me today that now I am faced with it never going away and how unfair that is for Jacey. She’s only 6, she needs a Mom that can keep up with her and has the energy to play with her and frankly right now I am mad about it and feel extremely guilty.

I just want to stomp my feet and yell out that “life is not fair” and ask God why?! Today though, I was led to 2 verses that really called out to me.

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 2:28

“When I am afraid, I will trust in you.” Psalm 56:3

They go right along with the song that was playing when I got back in the truck after my diagnosis. I should have known God was speaking to me then but I was too busy distracting myself instead of listening. I mean, there could have been any of about 2000 songs playing on my ipod at that moment. It may sound weird but through music is when I hear God the most, mainstream or Christian, it does not matter. At any of the rough or joyous parts of my life, there has always been some song that I have felt pulled to and spoken through.

So, I leave you with that song. THIS is how I want to live my life, each day is a GIFT!

We Live by Superchic[k]

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCxZvD_wZ6I]