weight…

Over the past several days, I have been updating our family website, making Christmas cards and framing pictures from our recent photo shoot. In amongst all of this, I have truly realized just how much weight I have gained in the past several years. I was a few pounds below my heaviest ever when we left the UK and all my same clothes from the last few years fit but now I can see the weight in my face. Not sure exactly when this happened as I don’t remember seeing it there before….maybe it is just the haircut..sure, let’s blame it on that…woudn’t that make it easy!

I have never been a skinny minny and truly never want to be. I have a large bone structure and honestly believe that if I was the 130 max that doctors say I should be at, I would look malnourished. Would I like to lose weight though, you betcha I would! It is a frustrating and tiring process for me though. I have PCOS which is already one strike against me but that shouldn’t make it practically impossible…should it? I dropped 20 pounds in the 4 months Bryan was deployed and within 1 month of him being home, it was all back…plus some. I dropped 14 pounds within a few weeks of being back in the states and although I have no clue if I have gained it back since I threw the scale out, I feel like I have. Both times, my activity level didn’t really change and if anything, I was eating worse but the weight just vanished…temporarily. Now when I was dedicated to trying to lose weight, doing Weight Watchers and going to Curves 3+ times a week, I didn’t drop a pound in 6 weeks. In fact, I GAINED 2.2 pounds…everyone says, of that was muscle…well, I would have believed that IF I had at least lost inches. But…nope.

What gives? How do I get this weight off? Will this lifetime battle with weight ever end?

Ever since we got orders here to Eglin and I found out that they do gastric bypass here, I have been heavily researching it. I have several friends that have nothing but success stories and yet I still can’t figure out if it is the right decision for me. I worry that I will not be able to enjoy life or cooking anymore, too stressed about what I can and cannot eat…I worry about losing too much weight…I worry about losing the weight too fast and having to have expensive plastic surgery to correct all the sagging skin. I also worry that I will go through all that and still not be happy or worse, that I will die.