benched.

You know that knee tweaking I talked about in my last post?! Yeah, it is still here and the consensus is that is is probably IT Band Syndrome..fun times :(. The best solution is to stay off of it, ice it and take anti-inflammatories (like I have time to stay off of it being a single mom right now…sigh). So, that means no running, elliptical, biking, lunges, squats, practically anything for at least a week after the injury, which means, I am out till Wednesday. Boo. So long as I can run with Bryan when we go see him, that is all I ask (oh, and be able to walk through the airport without the pain I am in now would be good too).

Anyway…

So, the whole weight thing…I’ve really been giving it a lots of thought in the past few days. When does enough become enough? Am I happy here or do I TRULY want to go lower or am I only set on going lower because I feel that is what I am expected to do? Like, I had surgery so I am expected to be tiny and if I gain 5 pounds, I am a failure?! I dunno. Originally, I had my goal set at 160 which was lower than what I weighed when Bryan and I got married. I was happy there. But, a few months into the process, I set a second goal for 140 because, well, I don’t know why. Maybe because it put me into a “normal” BMI?! Maybe because I am so short I felt like I needed to be smaller than 160, who knows. But, I was HAPPY at 165 and I am lower than that now.

Well, I have decided enough is enough. I am tired of constantly thinking about those “last few pounds”, tired of feeling guilty if I want a dessert. Heck, my original non-weight goal was to be able to shop anywhere again, i.e. a size 14. I am now a size 8/10 (I would be a solid 8 if I could get a tummy tuck but let’s not go there, very frustrated with the military about that issue) and finding clothes that fit is no issue. In fact I would LOVE to be done if only for the fact that I would allow myself to actually buy clothes again. This having a skeleton wardrobe because I don’t want to “waste” money sucks.

Done. I am done. I plan to keep up with my exercise because like I said in my last post it is a part of me now. Still make healthy choices but not focus on losing weight. I am also leaning towards moving my weigh-ins to every 2 weeks as opposed to every week. Bryan loves me the size I am now (not that he ever didn’t love me, but he actually told me tonight that I was perfect), now I need to learn to love ME.

4 Comments

  1. Lynn

    Bummer deal about the knee….take care of it and you will be running with Bryan.

    I think you have taken an incredible journey. Many of us start the journey thinking it is about losing the weight, which it is…but the real journey is finding out who we are and loving that wonderful woman we discover. You’re there!!

  2. Amy

    I think this is an intesting thing (do I say that a lot or what?). Because I think most of us pick our goal weight out of thin air. Sort of like…I dunno…that sounds good. I picked 170 bc I couldnt even really imagine weighing less than 200. I dont even know what size that would make me. So, when I get to 170 will I stop and maintain? And what does that mean? Should I just let my body take me where i need to go? If I have the band shouldnt I be able to be 130…if people without the band get to 130…

    Anyways, good for you for deciding. Now you just have to find the balance and what it takes to maintain the weight you like.

    I am sorry about your injury!

  3. Tamara

    Hope your knee feels better soon.
    Glad to hear that you are learning to be happy with you. You have come a long way and lost a ton of weight. You should be so proud of yourself.

Thoughts?