a place.

Have you ever just felt like you didn’t have a place? Like you were accepted but didn’t belong?

That has been my last 4 years here in Florida. Everyone keeps asking me if I am sad to move, but I am not. I am going to miss some things, mainly my “girls”, my job and the church in general. But not anything else. Not feeling like an outcast because we are military or don’t live in Bluewater Bay or because I don’t have a Coach bag on my arm. That I will not miss at all. It is the first place I have ever felt this way and I am ready for it to be over.

It will be nice to go somewhere that I have never been known as fat and people don’t know that I have leukemia. A fresh start of sorts. As sad as it is, these things create judgment in their own right and distance in friendships.

Even as a couple, we just haven’t found a place. We have tried the young marrieds Sunday School class at church two separate times now (once when we first joined the church and have been going again for the last few months) and simply don’t fit in. The class members are all nice but they already have their own sets of friends and that’s that. I am an introvert, so that doesn’t help and while there are a few people that have really made me/us feel welcome, on a whole, I walk out feeling worse than when I went in and that totally defeats the purpose. I *thought* we were starting to fit in and finally opened up my life to share a prayer request about my leukemia. Shared the request, shared an update to the request and nothing. The next time we were in the class, no one even spoke to us except when they had to in our small group session. Yet, recently another class member was diagnosed with cancer and last Sunday I had to watch/hear tons of people talk to him about it, give hugs, etc. I sound like I want to have special treatment, but I don’t. A simple “Hi, how are you doing?” would work for me.

At work, I have no issues. I consider myself very successful there and get along with everybody. But work isn’t and shouldn’t be your whole life. I am involved in Relay and have a place there, but other than my partner in crime, it is not a social circle. A group of friends that I can call up and say “Hey, want to do dinner?”.

Sigh.

A fresh start, yes…I am ready.

5 Comments

  1. Kami

    Lacey….first some HUGS!

    You have just described my life since we got back from England. So for 2 1/2 yrs now. That is exactly how I have felt. Especially at both churches I have gone/been going to. Everyone is nice, but they all have their friends and I can’t seem to find place among them. The hard part for me is that I go to the marrieds class cause I am married, but Tim hasn’t decided to join me yet. I could go to the women’s class but I feel even more out of place there because I am not single, widowed, and I am under 50 yrs old. I want to be with other people remotely close to my age range and married since I am as well. I go to the Girls’ Night Out, I got to Sunday Class and even started back into choir, but then my life got crazy and it took the choir folks nearly 2 mths to notice I had been missing. Only one person for SS ever leaves me messages on Facebook or by email asking if I am coming back. It is hard because this church seems like a lot of nice people and they have ALOT of awesome programs. Especially for the kids, but it is so big we get lost in the crowd. But seems like there are no “in-between” churches here. They are either HUGE like the one I have been going to or they are small with only SS and Worship service on Sunday and possible Bible Study on Wed, but nothing for the kids other than basic childcare. Which is fine, but I want a little more for Connor right now.

    So you mentioned moving. Do you have orders yet? If so, where are you going? When?

  2. Kristy

    Lacey, That makes me so sad to read!! I’m an introvert too and have always felt a little out of place and out of a “clique.” It’s only now that I have a kid that I feel like I have some commonality with people. And, I am so with you on the Coach bag… it seems other people have loads more money for those sorts of things than we do.

    The funny thing is, I have always thought of you as one of the “connected” people. I’m so sorry that we haven’t been more welcoming and I’m even more sorry I haven’t gotten to know you better in the short time since I met you.

  3. Sandy

    We are going to miss you big time! BTW is there a good oncology/leukemia doc there? You’ve moved b4 so u know change of any kind can be stressful even if all goes well so heads up to pray thru each step. fyi I’m still in denial plugging my ears with that lalalalala tune. I think it’s the doo-wah-diddy song that I was thinking of re My Girl.

  4. Lynn

    If you can get past the ultra conservative Mormon culture (coming from a Mormon)…I’d be beyond over joyed to have a girl’s night out buddy…

Thoughts?