the C word…

…sucks!

Cancer that is…

Normally I am pretty positive about it, don’t let it get me down too much, but this past week it has been really eating at me. Today is the 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis.

I feel fine (actually, let’s be completely honest…in general, I feel great), my numbers are staying stable and there is no evidence that I am going to get worse anytime soon. I am still mentally exhausted thinking about it lately though.

I look at Jacey and get all teary-eyed thinking that she is too young to have to deal with cancer in a parent and will I even get to see her grow up, finish school, get married or have the kids she swears she doesn’t want.

I look at Bryan and think that he doesn’t deserve this, a wife that has constant needs, where his own often get overshadowed. The chance that we won’t get to grow old together and that he may be a single dad.

Then, I look at myself and think this isn’t fair. I get mad at God and myself for events I can’t attend because of germ risks, scars that are forming from constant blood draws and having to know what all these blood counts really mean. I hate the pity. I never asked to be an anomaly. I never asked to get a form of cancer that is typically for 50+, non-Caucasian, males.

Can I just stomp my feet and throw a temper tantrum!? I’m good at those…

*sigh*

I know that CLL is not a death sentence and I know that it could be YEARS before I ever need any treatments, but this week that doesn’t matter. In my head, I try to bargain…can’t it be a form that they can just take the tumor out and zap me a little bit. Not something that is encapsulating my entire body. Something that only a bone marrow transplant can *possibly* cure.

I know God has a purpose for this and for me, I only wish it was clearer…

8 Comments

  1. meghann

    The wonderful thing about God is, yes, you CAN throw a temper tantrum. You can get angry, because it is NOT fair. And I think that God would even agree that it’s not fair. But, it’s all part of the plan somehow, even if we can’t understand why or how.

  2. melanie

    You’re going so well and I suppose you have to take each day as it comes. It isn’t fair and it’s okay to get angry and sad but with each day, the world is closer to a cure – getting so healthy and being so focused in the last 6 months must set you on the best course possible. Mel

  3. Sarah

    Oh, Lacey. How I wish I knew the words to comfort you during this hard week. Just know that I’m thinking of you, and praying for you … that you will grow old with Bryan, and that you will see Jacey marry off and start -or not- a family. :) {{hugs}}

  4. Bryan

    You know that I will always be here through thick and thin with you, no matter what curve-balls God throws at us. He will not give us anything that He knows we cannot handle. As I sit here writing this, I realize just how strong you really are, and that you exemplify all that I wish I could be myself. I go through each day realizing how much you mean to me, and at times like this, I know He has plans for us to be together for a long time. How could I go through life without you? I would be lost. As much as I know it is impossible, I’m sure he knows it tenfold, and therefore, He will keep us together for a long time.

    I love you!

  5. elizabeth

    Lacey just in sharing this shows your strength. And someone wrote it above, it is okay to throw tantrums. God is there listening and ready to hold you as well, even through your anger.

    I will pray for you that you focus only on the rod that Christ has given you. So that you can only see where you are right now and not down the road. I pray my friend that as you grow through this, that God show himself and His plans for you mightily.

    Just know that you are loved and are wonderful!

  6. Lynn

    We are not our Heavenly Father’s first go at teenagers…go ahead, throw that tantrum, stomp those feet, slam those doors. Then when you are on your knees, pouring your heart out to him know that he feels your pain, he offers the greatest comfort.

    I heard a great analogy recently. Our lives are a novel that we can not put down. The main character is engaging, we can not put the book down as we watch the main character struggle, experience great joy and great pain. We mourn for the struggles of the main character, we rejoice with them, and we continue to turn the pages to see what is in store next. That main character is you, it is me. The author of this great novel? Our Creator, Lord, Saviour, and Heavenly Father….Why do we not just close the book when it gets too painful? We desire to read to the end, we want to know the outcome. But do you know the best part? When this novel, our mortal existence ends….Heavenly Father has written a sequel.

    Lacey, God has great plans for you. You are a woman with great strength, great faith…..I am honored to call you friend and sister in Christ.

  7. MaryK

    The great thing about God’s plan for our lives is that the circumstances we walk thru, are the witness to the rest of the world that we are real people and our God is a real God. You inspire me, may tomorrow be bright and sunny!

Thoughts?